Last Thursday I got sick. The flu! It really knocked me out. I hadn’t been that sick in years, since sometime before Mitch and I got together. And now, a week later I am still recovering.
I don’t ignore the coincidental nature of this happening right around the 3 Year Mold Anniversary because after all, I don’t believe in coincidences and everything is so connected. But at the same time, I don’t know what it means.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night trying to catch my breath. A feeling from the past that has been forgotten, but is also all too familiar. After a few minutes of trying to flood my body with the oxygen it was desiring, I ended up getting up and opening the window. Sticking my head out I began breathing in the crispness of the solstice air. After a bit I was able to get a breath, leaving the window open as I got back in bed, and fell right back asleep.
The flu activated something within me. Stirred something up. Physically, emotionally, and energetically.
Sure, it’s frustrating and scary and confusing but I am trying to take a different approach with it this time around. Key word: trying. Because if I’m being honest, I’m not doing a very good job with it. But I am putting in that intention and bringing new thoughts into my conscious moments of panic while trying to resonate them with my feelings. Trying.
When I thought about what I wanted to share today, I realized that I don’t have some cute little takeaway for you. It almost made me not write this and write something else instead. But then, I realized that this is real. This is some in the moment shit that I am working through and working on. So often we see the other side of things and get those perspectives. That is, after all, where the cute little takeaways come from. But today, I am taking a different approach.
I struggle greatly with stress and anxiety. It is next level. The type of stress and anxiety that the man in the white coat would gladly give me a little white pill for. In fact, they tried. Back in 2021 when I was also gasping for air, this time in the ER in the middle of the night right after leaving the mold. They didn’t believe a word I said and thought I was just being anxious. Ativan for you! I took it from them and they walked away before I took it. Not that I was going to take it anyways. I stuck it in my sock before leaving a few minutes later. At that point I was afraid to stick up for myself and tell them no thanks. That’s also how they forced me into isolation and refused to see me until I tested for Covid. Negative test, of course. If I was in that situation today I would definitely be taking a different approach.
But generally speaking, I have been stressed and anxious for as long as I can remember. As a child I was always worried. ALWAYS. I come from a family of worriers so a lot of it was learned, embedded within me, but I think a lot of it emerged as a result of having to override my natural state in the name of fitting in, going to school, and existing as a kid in the world in the 90s and 00s before therapy was normalized and emotional awareness was recognized more.
Basically, that shit is deep. And all of the yoga, healthy food, and meditation in the world has not been able to help me regulate it. With all of those things I am much better than without, but I am still crushed by the weight of anxiety each and every day.
Over the past 5 years or so this has manifested mainly in the form of health anxiety. The health of myself and the health of those I love.
As someone who has chronically struggled with their health since they were about 6 years old and has lost loved ones quite suddenly, I understand why these fears present themselves as they do. What I don’t understand is how to overcome those fears.
In November I started doing nervous system work. This is something I have wanted to dabble in for a while but I didn’t find the right person to work with, until I did. I knew it was time. It has been 35 days of consistent daily work on my nervous system with these practices. Some days it’s 10 minutes, other days it’s 60 minutes. Either way, I always make it happen.
You know how they say that things have to get worse before they get better? I think that’s what’s happening with me and this nervous system work because DANG am I going through it.
Getting the flu while in a severe health anxiety flare has been something. I spiral hard and fast. So fast that I don’t even realize the fucked up thoughts I’m having until I’m way out in the weeds with them. Then it is almost impossible to reel them back in. This is where my new approach comes in. Now, instead of spiraling deep into the weeds and then trying to reel things in, I have been sitting in the weeds. I have been recognizing that I’m in the weeds and then I hang out for a while. How does it feel to be here? What can I learn from this space? My fear and resistance to the weeds is almost like a magnet that pulls me back there again and again and again. That neural pathway highway is freshly paved and so often traveled that I could do it with my eyes closed.
What have I learned from that weeded space? How beautiful life is. That it is truly what we make it. And how we’re in control of our experiences even when we’re not.
I might not be in a space where I can stop myself from getting into the weeds but I am in a space where I no longer fear them. I still feel fear, stress, and anxiety but I don’t feel fear around feeling those things.
We can’t avoid the “bad feelings” of life and I think so often in the health and spiritual spaces we bypass feeling those feelings completely. From my experience that doesn’t work. Things just build up and up and up until you find your emotional self crashing down without knowing which way is up. When you go into the feeling and allow it to BE then you can learn more about it, understand it, and move it around so that it supports you instead of suffocating you.
I am a work in progress with all of this. I am still stressed and anxious. I’ve checked my blood pressure like 12 times a day this week. The true work is always messy regardless of how flowing and easeful it seems on Instagram. The commitment to the work, showing up, and going into the weeds is where the goodness lies. It won't be a smooth journey but oftentimes a different approach will be the way to a new way of being.
THIS WEEKS OFFERINGS