This week I realized that I am stuck.
I am stuck like a boot that you walk right out of when tromping through a muddy field.
It’s been like this for about a year now. Somehow life has a way of bringing up the same things around the same time of year quite often. We just have to bring enough awareness to it to realize it.
For years and years as a kid I would always get sick on April 28. No matter what, boom, a cold or flu would come crashing in and take over for a few days.
Once I realized this in my late teens, I was determined to change that and it seems like when I brought awareness to things then I wasn’t getting sick on April 28th anymore.
Being sick on April 28th isn’t what we’re talking about today though. Instead, I’ve realized that I’m stuck in my job and I’ve been feeling that way for about a year.
When I realized that it has been almost a year of extreme burnout and overall loathing clocking into work each day then things immediately spiraled and I was not okay.
“I have been stuck and burnout for a year and haven’t changed a dang thing!?” I thought to myself. That was disappointing and unacceptable to me because I have visions for the future. Goals that I am going to achieve. And yet, here I am clocking in, clocking out, and hating almost every second of it but sticking with it because it’s safe and secure. It’s what I know. It’s what I’ve been doing for years. It’s comfortable and consistent. It has benefits, health insurance, create your own schedule, the whole shebang. But there is no room for growth financially or within the company and those two facts combined with some logistics of daily work have resulted in me being stuck. Chained in golden handcuffs.
But I’m breaking free and it’s not something I want to or will do any longer.
When you realize that you’re about to change your entire life, you just have to do it. Rip off the bandaid and simmer in the pain and discomfort for a bit while the wound breathes and heals up. I find that if I don’t rip the bandaid off and I keep the wounds covered because it feels like I’m safe and protected then bacteria festers, creating an even more detrimental environment and a longer healing time before I can move on with fresh skin.
I have kept the bandaid of safety on for too long. It’s crazy because I used to leap, jump, rip it off in the exact moment that I knew it needed to happen. As a result I made big moves. My trust muscle was strong af. As we get older, that gets harder. It feels like there is more on the line. And oftentimes there is. Reckless abandon is frowned upon in your 30s. But stagnancy and your comfort zone are where dreams and goals go to die.
I talk about that a lot, and yet here I am in the graveyard shoveling dirt to put my dreams to rest day after day because I’m afraid to take a step outside of my comfort zone.
In times like this all I see is fear. What if this? What if that? It consumes me. But, the most important question to ask is “what is the worst thing that can happen?”
For me, the worst thing is that I will have to go get a new job. Or I will need health insurance and not have it. Those can potentially be big deals. Or they can not happen at all. Sitting in the cozy space of my comfort zone will never tell me which is true though.
If I don’t leap, there will be questions that I look back on and wish I had answers to.
What would have happened if I radically changed my life and my career? What would have happened if I would have leaped a little more?
I don’t not want to reflect on the past and not have the answers to those questions.
And so, here I am, gearing up for big changes.
I am pulling my boot out of the mud and trudging on.
The unknown is coming and I am welcoming it.
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