I have 28 tabs open on my computer right now. And, I have another computer with even more tabs open on it. Tabs are open that I remember last visiting when I was sitting outside enjoying a warm and sunny day. Here in Pennsylvania, those days have been gone for months.
And yet, the tabs have remained open to revisit… someday. Or at least, that’s what I claim.
That’s how my brain feels. Full, scattered. Filled with things that have long been abandoned but I continue to promise myself I’ll go back to.
How often we fill ourselves with promises of things that we claim to want to do. Those things infiltrate our thoughts and our days because they are floating around without any sense of direction or attention.
Oh, how I desire a life deeply steeped in intention.
This past Christmas I planned to make gifts for four people. I actually planned this out in September. I was sitting at a rugby match that Mitch was playing in and got the idea for what to make. Latch hook pillows and embroidered pillows. Remember latch hooks? #throwback
I ordered the kits right then. Sitting in the grass, getting sunburnt, and scolding myself for not wearing a hat, at the very least. I was so excited to get a head start on things and promised myself that things would be different. No procrastinating this year. I was going to enjoy the holiday season and not fill it with stress like always!
I very casually, like super extremely casually, worked on the pillows throughout the coming months. The thought of them was always at the back of my mind like the tabs on my computer were always in my line of vision. “I must get those pillows done,” I’d think while I continued to barely work on the pillows.
Thanksgiving came and went. December was finally here. At this point I still had 1.5 pillows to make and two embroidery projects to complete. And yet, I was still procrastinating. Finally, the week before Christmas I finished the first pillow and I completed the second pillow in like 4 days. I decided to scratch the idea of embroidered pillows and instead did two paintings, finishing this all up at midnight on December 23.
Yes, I work well under pressure and I know that. But I also recognize the dysfunction and stress that I feed on in that state.
I’ve been on a nervous system regulation journey for the past 2 months. It is not very exciting, at all. And to be honest, I haven’t noticed any progress with it yet. But I’m still plugging along with it. With regulation at top of mind and understanding how dysregulated I am and have been for basically my entire life, I am beginning to see things differently.
I can now see how my blatant procrastination and 28 open tabs are examples of my subconscious programming creating stressful situations for myself because that is my place of comfort and where I land “naturally” due to years of living this way.
Now, I am rewriting and rewiring into a new story.
New Years Day was a mere five days ago. On December 31 Mitch and I sat down to get clear and write out some goals. I know there are a lot of people who choose not to set goals or think that springtime is better to set goals because it aligns with the astrological calendar and to all of that I say, to each their own.
I felt the same way a few years ago but I have had a strong focus on coming back into a lot of “normal” and mainstream ways of living this human experience for the time being. I am an extreme person and I can easily fall into things in a big way which ultimately doesn’t serve me. I am a firm believer in living this human experience, which for me personally means going to NHL games, concerts, eating glyphosate filled gluten on occasion, watching Netflix, and doing whatever else I want that the alternative/conspiratorial/”naturally minded” communities frown upon and judge. That is, of course, balanced out with yoga, meditation, eating organic at home, meditating, sauna, and living a generally healthy lifestyle because… balance.
As much as I hate the word, balance is what I strive for generally speaking. And I strive for it because of my dysregulated state and tendency to lean on the side of all or nothing.
So I set some goals for 2024 with the intention of revisiting them at the beginning of each month to make sure I don’t abandon them and actually make them happen. Big goals and small goals. I’m a big advocate for sprinkling in small goals that are fun to make life fun. We all need to have a little more fun. So things like paddle board, ice skate, and traveling to certain places made the list. Along with that are some pretty big and life changing goals like moving homes and making some moves professionally.
In goal setting I also see balance. In setting these goals and revisiting them each month I see a path towards regulation.
In almost every circumstance what it takes to change your life is small and incremental steps. Very rarely will God speak down to you and everything will change from that moment. Be open to that possibility, of course! But usually it’s small whispers that lead us to the next step, and then the next step, and then the next, and so on.
It requires us to get quiet and to truly listen. There is so much power in just that simple practice alone.
When I sat down to make this list of goals, that’s how it saw it. These goals are whispers of which paths to choose. By sitting down with them each month to revisit them I am receiving the whispers of the next steps to take. I am listening. Finally.
I am steeping in intention.
These are moments of reflection infused with clarity. They are the refreshing feeling of mist from a park fountain kissing your skin as you walk by on a hot summer day. A moment of presence. Of regulation.
Here’s to less tabs open on our computers, in our minds, and in our hearts.
Here’s to goal setting and goal achieving.
Here’s to regulation and rewiring with presence.
Here’s to the whispers and divine guidance that is always waiting to be channeled through.
Steep in it.
And may we all find a bit more peace this year. Oh, how we’ll need it. Hello election year!
More on that in a few months… maybe.
Until then, wishing you a tranquil start to 2024 with clarity in your mind and peace in your heart.
THIS WEEKS OFFERINGS
Nervous System Reset Yoga Flow | Yoga for anxiety & depression
How To Have The Best Year Yet - Goal Setting And The Secret To Success | Holy Health Podcast